juliet23's Blog

It runs in my family, on both sides and sometimes I worry that it might happen to me. Not so much what I will go through because I will eventually not know and it wont mean so much to me. But to what it will do to my family and me while I know whats going on. It's a blessing in disguise when the person with the disease no longer knows what is going on but it is so hard to watch that happen to someone you love and respect. The person who taught you so many things. The person who you went and crawled in bed beside before heading off to bed yourself to discuss the day and homework, what you did at school and did you learn anything. The good night ritual of kissing each cheek. The ice cream that was always his idea but you willingly played it off as yours cause you both knew it was easier to get away with that way. Then it takes that person away. The person who cared for you and taught you so much. It slowly takes bits and pieces away until you are left with a shadow of their former self. One who is not the same and who you don't really know because they aren't quite the same person. You find yourself taking care of instead of being taken care of. You find yourself talking to in the parent role rather than the child one. It is a horrible and mean disease. It makes you so angry. It is not a quick disease. It happens slowly. It robbs you of time over years not days or weeks. You miss out on so much. No more talking about the day. No more ice cream. No more laughter. Only hurt and confusion. The disease I hate most in the world is the one who robbed me of so much time and joy with one of the people I love most in the world. It still hurts. Even though they are gone and in a better place. It still causes so much pain. It grows harder and harder to remember the person before. Harder and harder to reconcile them in your mind with the person you see before you. So you see. I don't fear for me getting the disease though I would not want it in a million years and it does scare me. I fear what will happen to the people around me, the ones I love. I don't want to be robbed of precious time. I don't want my loved ones to have trouble remembering who I was, what I was like before the disease because in the end, that is all there is.....Alzheimers...

So a few months ago I went to a cardiologist and had a lot of testing done, everything looks good but I still have the chest pain, the tightness, shortness of breath, which isn't so bad. I can live with that. It is the dreams that are starting to get to me. I dream about the pain. I can't get away from it. It follows me everywhere. I'm not sure what it is. Something real or subconcious. Sounds stupid I know, but something is going on.

It happened again. It has been happening a lot lately. Deja vu. And it's not like I feel like something has happened before. I remember it, in great detail. everything. And these episodes last longer and longer. They have gone from a few seconds to minutes. I wonder what it means...

They say you only dream in black and white. How do they know? I dream in vivid color. Beautiful blues yellows and reds. So what makes them think you can't dream in color.

I dream of places I have never been. Running through fields of flowers. Dangling my feet in faraway oceans. Dancing cliffside in early fall. Things I miss that I have no reason to miss.

A little over a year ago a guy came into a place I worked and shot up the place. Almost killed a coworker and some customers then went on to another place and did manage to kill someone. Sometimes I hear the shots in my dreams, look down and see blood blooming across my stomach. I still look at people walking down the side of the main streets in town and think, they could be carring a gun. I am not really scared anymore. I just feel frustrated that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was so close and I had nothing to protect anyone with. I just grabbed as many people as I could and ran. I just wish I could have done something different. Thing is we all knew him. He was a regular. Make you wonder if you every really know people.

I am so ADD I can't even fantasize properly.....

Last night I had a dream that my father, the king, killed my dragon. I was horribly upset by this. Just killed him for no reason... The rest of the dream was pretty normal, but that part stuck out.

Last night I had a dream that no matter what phone I used I could not dial out to 911. I tried on my phone. A strangers phone. Several business phones but none would dial 911...

*******I need to take it out on you, really take it out, really give it all. As hard as I can to let you, let you have it all 'till I make you. Don't start don't start shakin again, she can make the salt taste like sugar on her hands but if love is a way out then please let me in. Don't start darlin' don't you turn my nightmares into dreams again****       

                                                                               Isles and Glaciers                        

         If you don't know who these guys are then you should definitely look them up......

I was going through some pictures from high school. I stopped on a few that really just pulled at my heart. I just got to thinking that you never really stop and think, man these people may not be here next year. You never think that someone you see every day is going to just die. But really you never know. Highschool one day and a funeral another. I haven't thought about it in a long time. Sometimes it just doesn't seem possible that someone could be gone like that. They were too substantial. Too real to be not there anymore, if that even makes any sense...

So I decided to make my very own tarot cards the other day. I even started making them. I have a stencil I made so they will all be the same size and I outlined cards on good paper. So far I have only made one... Just one. It looks really cool and I am liking the way it turned out but still. One. There are 78 cards in your average tarot deck. This project may take me a while.

I just read an ad that said "Learn how to create drama!" It was an advertisement for a school. All I could think was please, I am a woman, drama is my life...I know that is not what it ment by any means but drama is not something you can learn to do, you just do it. lol.

I wiped my tear stained face
throwing my sodden appearance away
just so I could face you
without the fixated questions
the pestering reply
And the romp through the forest of denial
I glance away
not catching your eye
all the while
wondering goodbye?
I love you still
all you do is hurt
but I have learned
to expect the pain
your forgetful tendency's
pushing me away
until voices fade
and all is lost that way
the depths in your eyes
the pain in your heart
only matches what you do to me.
I still love you
You hold on so tight
I almost can't breathe
clutching my pillow
to carry away the pain
on tides of feathery suffocation
consumes my soul
until grogginess overcomes me
and I slip into a sleep
only to awake
right back where I started

Since you
There has been nothing new
I never felt the need to write
Another scripted word
 
You left me breathless
You left me daring
You left me alone
Alone to face the world
 
Last I saw you
There were no words
No goodnight kiss
Even softly upon my lips
 
I wonder now
If there ever was
A chance for us
A reason to try
 
The wishes I miss
The gestures gone amiss
When all I wanted
Was one last good nights kiss 

 There are things
 I tried to leave behind....
 They follow me closely....
 I can never get away....
 Never get too far....
 My mind is a trap....
 Something I can't conquer....
 If only there was a way....
 To delay ....
 The haunting dreams....
 The dreams that haunt me still....
 Should have gone away....
 Long ago....
 When that tragedy ....
 Came to play....
 The remnants of....
 A broken heart ....
 That can never mend....
 For the intense reminders....
 That still persist....
 In waking....
 In dreaming....
 I can never escape....
 This torturing pain....
 That would rather haunt....
 Then leave me be....
 In peace someday....
 Maybe ....

   Days off are never really a day off. Sometimes I would rather be at work working than running around town trying to get all of my errands done while I have time only to go home to clean..... A never ending cycle.....

    I don't want to be dragged to hell or fall into swimming pools that are icy and freezing. I don't want to run from phantom demons that the only parts I ever see are their clawlike hands wrapping around the legs of people I can't save to drag their souls away and leave their bodies for something evil and sisister to inhabit and chase me with. I don't want to hang onto the side of the pool while I cry and kiss you goodbye while they take you away from me. While people are taken away from me...

   Sometimes I just want the world to stop and pause a minute. Give me a breather. Lord knows we need one. It seems like I'm caught in a landslide and the number of rocks is unending. Every time I think I made it out another rock comes down to wack me in the head...